The beauty does not want a beast

Wow…how time flies. July has been so fast,—and furious! Lol…men I couldn't resist—exciting and full of new beginnings. Forgive me for being M.I.A, but I can assure you I will make up for it. Let’s get down to business shall we…

I am excited at the thought that you have discovered your skin type—I hope—and should have gotten rid of all the unnecessary. If you are still in a state of confusion, please send me a mail and I will respond in the best way I can.

I have always said and believed “Looking good is good business”. Over the years, I have found that men don’t really make an effort to look more “together” but are ever so quick to judge the ladies on their looks. From our hair, to our nails, to the dreadful flaunting of hairy legs—babe if you are guilty, it’s never EVER too late to repent—the men can’t stop talking. Things are so bad that a friend of mine, like clockwork, always has something to say about every girl I put up on my B.B display picture. His blunt words are always followed by my swan song “I’m looking forward to meeting the girl you are going to marry.”

Don’t judge what you cannot be compared with. If she is not all that, how about you? The beauty does not want a beast. So young man, get a pen and paper and take note of the things I’m about to tell you. They really irritate us. This will also serve as a guideline to getting her attention if you know what I mean.

The list of turn offs for women are endless, but in order not to run you down, we shall be focusing on a few areas that just make us cringe. Here goes…

Facial hair

As much as I love the full beard, I must warn you that there is a difference between the Rick Ross beard and the Osama Bin Laden beard. Not a lot of guys realise the fine line between the sexy masculine look and something that looks like it needs some hair growth cream. Gosh, don’t get me started with that. If you decide to keep your beard, please ensure it is evenly trimmed along the edges, well sculpted on the face and free of the crumbs from the three meals of the day. If you don’t have enough hair to pull off the look, don’t bother; don’t dye it black to fill in the gaps. The idea of a goatee which consists of a few strands only suggests you missed out on puberty—shave it off. Furthermore, it is not in any way sexy when you rub your chin. The mustache can be cute and sexy only if it does not look like Hitler incarnate.

Toe nails and THAT pinky

I have never understood why guys keep some nasty looking toe nails and have the pinky finger nail so darn long. Some guys say they need their finger nails to stimulate women but hey, this isn’t the blog to discuss that. It just makes me sick…and makes me wonder the kind of girls you have been dating. #talktothehand. Do yourself a favour and CUT YOUR NAILS. Dirty nails are a NO-NO. Dirty toe nails serve as an X-ray on your personal hygiene. A pedicure once a month will be the solution to a lot of your problems. Please save yourself the humiliation of wearing palms, sandals or any open footwear without getting one first. Take it from me, it is a crime.

Age appropriate clothes and shoes

If you are not within the 13-19 age group, if you are not in the circus, neither are you part of some stage performance dance group, or a fashion designer, you SHOULD not be wearing skinny jeans. Yes, yES, YES, I’m talking to you. If it is an ego booster to see how “big” you look in something so tight and want the world and the ladies to know, you have another thing coming.

On the other hand, some men don’t seem to realise the “sagging” look, over baggy pants, Heavy-D sized t-shirt with the big red NEW YORK—or some other place they most likely have not been to—and lest I forget that basketball jersey with the base ball hat and wannabe “bling bling” is so sloppy. Please get with the time, get with the programme and get on with defining your own style.

A well dressed casual man is sexier than a man in a three piece suit #standingovation. You should not be attempting to look like Justin Bieber nor some random gangster. Be smart, choose the right colour combo, and wear the right clothes from the labels that are worth every penny—designer or not. You don’t need to wear what “Mummy didn’t allow me to wear when I was younger” if you are looking to attract that beauty. A poor dress sense will turn any girl off in a heartbeat. Remember, an Iron is your best friend as well as a decent belt that will ensure your tucked in shirt stays in all day. If you do decide to wear a tie, please make sure it is well knotted and remains in the centre of the shirt collar to avoid looking like you are on a leash that your boss has been dragging.    

Now that you have the right clothes, you need to combine it with the right shoes—and socks. It is a fashion faux-pas to wear bright coloured socks to the office in the name of style. Even worse is the idea of wearing shoes without socks. Oh boy! Yes I do agree that there are some shoes that you don’t wear with socks but please know that we ladies know the difference between the two. We may not say anything to you but we do cringe at the thought of your smelly feet. I will be wise to keep a shoe sponge in your bag. We don’t need to know what you went or walked through to get to the office, take us on a date or whatever the occasion.

Bad breath

How bad is bad breath?

Damn…it’s that bad! Have you ever wondered why she never said anything to you anytime you try to talk to her? It may be because she is holding her breath in an attempt to spare her lungs from inhaling your toxins bad breath. It should be a violation of human rights to kiss a guy with bad breath in the name of love!

Hell-to-the-NO!

Change your toothpaste and keep a pack of Wrigley’s spearmint handy. You will be amazed how life changing that decision can be. Take my word for it.

Too much, too little and “natural” perfume

The truth is, deodorant is not enough when it comes to the Naija heat. With perfume, moderation is the key. The last thing we need is to be intoxicated by your sent. Don’t get me wrong, women are attracted to men that smell amazing but are easily irritated at the idea of being able to taste your perfume in their mouth by just talking to you. Too much perfume on my skin makes me dizzy and I am 100% sure that I’m not the only one. Use as much as you need but please try and make a bottle last for three days rather than one. Do we have a deal?

If you wear too little, the humidity of the day will take over and it becomes a mixture of sweat and some diluted sent of perfume—yuck. If you wear natural perfume aka Au naturel BO’naturel—none at all, be sure to know that it’s over before it has even begun. No way am I letting a guy put his arm over my shoulder with that mist going on.

Picking your nose and grabbing yourself in public

Digging and not finding gold, grabbing what has not gone missing then attempting to touch my face or hold my hand is a felony. I said it! We honestly cannot stand the idea of any guy touching “the face” with dirty fingers. Fresh skin is no overnight miracle, why distort it with dirty hands!?  

Puh-lease, enough with that. Spare us the “fine girl” gesture, wear good underwear and stop digging for gold.

The sooner men realise that decent girls want more than deep pockets, the easier life will be. A well groomed man is a keeper as it says a lot about your personality. You don’t need to be drop dead gorgeous, or tall dark and handsome but you need to make an effort to look good. I also recommend you go for a facial and pedicure at Montaigne place in V.I. That is the right step in becoming the fresh guy you have always dreamed of.

No beauty wants an animal of a boyfriend. I leave you with these words from Dr. Fumni.

“Men who don’t make an effort to look good, reflect a certain laziness. Perhaps an indication of the effort he’ll put into your relationship with him.”